I ran into my old self yesterday. I was at Target, running errands with my son, trying to navigate the aisles as expeditiously as possible so that Gabe would not melt down or turn into “I want it” mode. We made it to the check out and Gabe remembered he had been given stickers at checkout in the past. He immediately began asking for one and I distracted him by having him help place items on the check out belt. He happily assisted and we almost successfully made it out the door.

Gabe began shouting “stickah.” I asked if he wanted one and he coyly smiled and said “yes pees.” I told him to walk up to the customer service counter and ask for a sticker. That is when I ran into the old me.

I never liked children; never babysat, never found joy in making a baby smile not ever WANTED a baby. I never ran to hold a friends baby and I would cringe in horror at the sound of an infant crying. Even when pondering whether I wanted a baby I just thought ‘whatever happens.” When I became pregnant I cried tears of sadness, thinking my life was over. However through having my son I have become almost paralyzed with love. I work every second around my son; how I can spend as much time with him. Every breath he takes is adorable. Every movement is amazing. Now at two, his personality is apparent and he is a heart breaker.
As Gabe approached the “old me” at the counter I looked on lovingly. The girl at the counter stood there on the phone, not noticing my sons tiny pudgy fingers curled over the edge of the counter. She did not look down when he said “stikah pees!” She stayed on the phone. A small flame ignited in the back of my head as I stared, astonished at her inattentiveness towards my ‘Baby Jesus.’ I walked towards the counter as my son repeated, “stickah pees!” She looked at me and I smiled and asked if she had any stickers. Irritated with our request she fumbled through her drawer and found a sticker. She handed it to my son and he said “TANK OO.” I smiled again thinking surely this girl will smile at him. However we were again met with indifference. I told Gabe to come along and he stood there waving saying, “TANK OO, TANK OO” and my old self sat on the phone, completely uninterested in my amazing child. I picked him up and thought how happy I am and how unhappy I used to be.

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